Conquering my fears

Every time I sit down at my computer and start typing about the things that I want to blog about I end up deleting it all, out of fear. I keep telling myself that I am going to start a journal...you know, with a real pen and paper so that I can record the day to day stuff that I am experiencing with the business. The good , the bad and the ugly...without the fear of exposing my true self to anyone. My true self being the one that worries a lot about what might happen tomorrow and never enjoys the success of the moment. The me who chooses to answer email on Christmas Eve by sneaking my blackberry into the bathtub with me so that I don't have to face my daughter's disappointment that I am working on yet another holiday...the me who has a vision so great for the future of my business that I am afraid to finish my business plan because it might actually work!
Even now, as I type this I know that there is a 99 percent chance that I will delete it without publishing it. Somehow, just typing it is theraputic though...so I plug on!
I had a conversation with a dear friend a week or so ago. His name is Joe. He is the quiet type...rarely makes a statement or comment that doesn't seem to be well thought out and profound. Whereas I often speak without thinking and just blurt out whatever is on my mind. Anyway, Joe intimidates me. Not because he means to...just because I wish I were more profound, I guess...He would be hurt to know that I am intimidated by him because he is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people that I know. I admire him. Anyway, our conversation was about my business and how I had not opened the doors to the new shop yet and how my business plan wasn't polished and didn't contain 2006 figures and how I wish I had more hours in the day and the list of my ramblings goes on....In a very calm and soothing voice, Joe simply says, "Carla, what I am hearing from you are a bunch of excuses. What are you afraid of?"
While his voice may have been calm and soothing, what I received from the comment was a big, swift kick in the behind! I was taken by surprise and I know that I mumbled some kind of answer, though I am not sure what I said to him...but when I hung up the phone, however, I started thinking...really thinking about his question.
The day before our conversation I would have told you that I am not afraid of much. The only things that come to mind are snakes, and I have an irrational fear of going off a bridge in my car and drowning. I would have told you that I have had a hard life...my entire life...and that I learned early on to use the lemons that life tosses me to make lemonade. I don't believe in wallowing in self pity and I don't believe in allowing things that have happened to me to become an excuse for making poor choices the rest of my life.
I am a pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on kinda girl!
At any rate, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have discovered that I am totally and completely paralyzed with fear when it comes to my business being successful. First, I am not even sure how you go about measuring success...on a good day, I think we are successful. It pays the bills and allows me to stay home with my daughter. It also makes it possible for other moms to work from home so that they can be with their kids. Those things are what it's all about, right? Getting by...okay, maybe not....I have this vision of greater things to come and I have a plan to get there...yet, I have wasted the last year settling for just "getting by".
I have all of these great ideas and new designs that I want to offer and yet, I limit myself on selling mostly the basics! Why?? Fear that you will like them...and fear that you won't! I have this great little shop that I have stocked and ready to open to the public but the doors are still locked...why?? Fear that the customers will come...and fear that they won't!
Sounds crazy, I know...but a little fear is healthy and I plan to let 2007 be the year that I conquer the silly fears and just put myself out there...starting now!! I am going to just close my eyes and force myself to push the "publish" button! Okay...I am really going to do it this time....almost there....and "boom" my secret fears are out there!!!